Not All But Some

Some of the people I hold most dear are emotionally unavailable part or most of the time. Best Female Friend is so because of issues of her own, and while I've never faulted her for this (at least, not in the last ten years or so), it still strikes me that I am unfailingly available, and she is mostly not available.

Other Best Female Friend is usually so immersed in her own drama (the latest being that she married a racist fuck for his money, and has finally admitted to her mistake and is leaving him - drama cubed!) and my function in her life seems to be to witness her drama and tell her I love her anyway.

Spousal Unit is available but only part-way. He's one of the loveliest people I know, but I do sometimes feel like I have to schedule intimacy around raid nights. If I really *need* him, he's there. But it gets a little .... I dunno. Lonely? Because there's not a lot I need, and I'm not often in crisis. And I'm not neurotic enough to create drama just so I can have a conversation with the man.*

In every case I can think of in my life, I am unfailingly available...

I am becoming somewhat tired of feeling like I have to beg for time and intimacy from those who mean the most to me. I joke that I'm an attention whore, but I think the truth is that I'm most attracted to the emotionally unavailable or distant or difficult.

With the exception of my coven family, that is. Thankfully, they *are* emotionally available ... so much so that I never feel the need to tug at their pant legs like I'm a little child. I feel like I don't ever have to 'need' them to ask for their time or company. I feel sought out by them, and *enjoyed*. Liked. Interesting. Even beloved.

This is what I want more of in my life. I want to be enjoyed. I want people to take delight in me...seeking me out, wanting my company. Making time for me because I'm a pleasure to be with...

And that means removing the 'emotionally unavailable only need apply' magnet off of my forehead. STAT!

I'm not going to whine and moan about those relationships in which I feel that I am perpetually available and yet met with some version of unavailability. Rather, I'm going to turn my attention to relationships (existent and potential) that offer a sense of abundant love & abundant presence.

*Before you all worry and shit, I am not dumping the Spousal Unit. I love the Spousal Unit. We live well together, and we're solid. He is very good to me in so many ways (just as I'm also very good to him! Two way street - otherwise it simply wouldn't work!). I'm just negotiating how to get the most out of my life, and those negotiations require me to be honest with myself about the intimacy needs that go unmet in my relationships - all my relationships. It's healthy.