Episode 28 – spirits of the earth

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In this episode we talk a little bit about where I’ve been and what’s happening with me on my spiritual journey. We also have an extensive interview with Tameika and Fox of Spirits of the Earth Festival (among many other pagan centered events).

Just a quick note: The audio in this episode is not as good as I’d like. The first thirty seconds of the interview with Tameika and Fox is quite loud, but it improves a lot after that point.

News Of Note

Spirits of the Earth Festival (http://spiritsfest.com) is gearing up! The fest takes place between July 7th and 12th about 45 minutes from London, Ontario. I picked up camping gear a couple of weeks ago, and I registered today and took advantage of the Early Bird Special. It’s only $100.00 for the entire week!

Dragon Ritual Drummers will be there, along with Castalia, Gypsy Nomads, Themis, AND author Christopher Penczak. I can’t wait!

Thanks to those of you who voted, and sent donations through the months of April and May. We’re going to draw for a signed copy of The Way of The Hedge Witch by Arin Murphy Hiscock during the next show! Sponsors will be eligible for this fantastic prize, so please consider sponsoring the show?

Music this episode was:

Untie the Wind by Telling the Bees
Elemental Chant by Spiral Rhythm

Stay tuned for upcoming interviews with Arin Murphy Hiscock, Brendan Myers and Christopher Penczak!

Leaning

A lot of people I’ve known through the years are more likely to reach out to their understanding of the divine when they are in a crisis. They lean hard on their deities when they need support or some sense that things will come out all right. I do the absolute opposite. In times of grace (with grace being defined by me as goodness, plain and simple) I am all over the divine with praise and ritual and votive offerings. When times get tough, I clam up. I stop doing the Work. I find it nearly impossible to think straight let alone plan and execute a ritual of the simplest variety.

It occurred to me last night that when I most need to feel the benevolence of the Universe, I shut out all possibility of sensing it. I go inward, throw up all sorts of walls, and do not even think to reach out for support. I become near feral in my efforts to self-protect and I find it hard to soften, to surrender to loving care.

Last night I did a very simple water purification that I found in Kissing The Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle. It wasn’t elaborate, and required no more preparation than filling a glass of water and lighting a candle on my beside altar. It took all of ten minutes to perform, and despite my curmudgeonly attitude, it helped. A lot.

Faking it till you make it is something I’ve encouraged other pagans to do in times of spiritual dryness. “Just keep doing it” I tell them. “You’ll be glad you kept up your practice even if you aren’t feeling it.”

Humbling to know I give great advice, but don’t take it myself.

Today I’m leaning hard on the divine. Times are tough, parenting wise, and I am completely exhausted. I’m in physical pain all the time (thank you, mechanical low back injury that won’t heal) and it occurred to me last night that all the effort I put into seeming rough and tough and stoic about it all is really draining. Enough is enough. I’m going to be over here whimpering a little and asking for the support I need to get through what has been a very difficult time.

***

You may have noticed that my posts at darklyfey.com are getting more personal. I think it’s about honesty. I want you to know where I am in my journey so that when I do put out a show, you know I’m not bullshitting you. You have a sense of the person talking to you. You have a sense of who I am and what I’m doing in my life between shows. I think this can build community. I think when people are honest with one another, it gives us all permission to be real.

I want to be real with you. How about you? Do you want to be real with me? :)

Show is coming soon. I’m just waiting on Tameika and Fox to send me the files from the interview we did last weekend. Come hell or high water, I will record in the next few days.

Love to all,

Fey

I Know, I suck

It’s been a while since I’ve been in touch. Things have been interesting around here, to say the least. Life is plodding along as it should, but I have been struggling with a couple of things that prevents posting and podcasting. The first was a longstanding technical issue – my display on my laptop died, and so did the fan. This prevented me from coming to you live from the red leather couch, and finding my groove again while sitting in front of a desk was really not conducive to getting a podcast out. The fan works now after a full reformat, but the display is dead, dead, dead. Sigh! Alas! Alack!

However, my spousal unit recently brought me home a beautiful monitor (LCD), so the laptop functions as long it’s jacked in to an external display. He also brought me home a little Acer notebook that *might* be powerful enough to handle recording. If not, I’ll have to learn to sit at a desk and record, but I’m determined to do it. I miss you guys, I miss recording the show, and I miss my pagan podcasterly guise very much.

Another thing that’s been going on is in relation to the topics we’ve been covering. The goals are challenging when they aren’t just read and forgotten. I have found myself working them between shows, and until I have some level of understanding and even mastery, I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with my listenership. I don’t want to create crappy content and if I’m talking about keeping my thoughts in good order while being bossed around by mean internal voices, and finding it impossible to remain optimistic thanks to negative tape that comes from an abusive childhood, well, who the frak am I to talk to you about keeping your thoughts in good order? This goal, of all the others, has kicked me in the teeth, but I’m really getting it lately. As soon as I figure out how to tone down the volume on the microphone, I will sit down to record, whether it be at the desk or on the red leather couch.

Parenting has been less than joyful of late. We have three teenagers living in these here parts, and one teeny bopper who lives with her mom, but comes over on weekends. These lovely beings have the capacity to keep us frazzled and feeling a little on the overwhelmed side. School is letting out late June, so things promise to get chaotic around here. Finding the hutzpah to record is going to take some serious spiritual work. Please consider lending me your energy. I would appreciate it greatly.

Fest season is approaching, and this year I’ll be attending The Spirits of the Earth Festival, and Kaleidoscope Gathering. I’m incredibly excited about both and feel so blessed to have not only the time but the financial wherewithal to manage registration for both festivals. I can’t wait to bring you coverage from both, and I hope with all my heart to see some of you there!

With Love and Many Blessings,

Deep Peace!

Fey

Dear Ones

I'm wondering if any of you do reiki or any other kind of energetic healing...

If you do, could you aim some love at my low back? I'm in an inordinate amount of pain today. Generally, I can handle it, but it's bad today, and there's a demolition to do on half the kitchen, cabinets to put in and a lot of scrubbing to do.

Thanks in advance. :) 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I transferred out of the on campus learning environment to distance learning, which provides a weekly meeting with a tutor and weekly marking. This not having a life thing was not working for me. What does this mean? More time, better meals cooked for my family, a more manageable work load. As it was, I was in school all day and doing homework all night. 

All the art stuff, the writing stuff, the soul food stuff went the way of the dodo.

Much happier. :)

anniversary

Today, Darklin and I are celebrating five years of life together as partners. I press my weariness to his strength, and I'm strengthened. He pressed his fear to my courage, and he is imbued with courage. We hold one another up to the light. 

It isn't the kind of love that movies are made of. There's no fairy dust or pumpkins turning into carriages. We do not complete one another.  He didn't have me at hello. It's better than that. Our love is like a tree we planted when we met, and it's taken root.  It has deep tendrils that stretch out a mile in all directions, and a canopy of leaves to catch the sun and rain. We shelter beneath it, sleep, play, dream, make love. 

Trees grow slow, and last.

New Show! Episode 26

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Use our handy widget in the right hand side bar! 

Don’t forget to VOTE! 
And thank you ALL for making The Dark Side of Fey the #1 Pagan Podcast at Podcast Alley for FOUR MONTHS RUNNING! You guys rock!

In this episode we talk a little about balance as a goal of the pagan, how I’m celebrating Spring and the upcoming festival season, and a little bit about solitary practice and how difficult, yet rewarding, that can be to maintain.

Spirits of the Earth Festival (http://spiritsfest.com)  is gearing up! The fest takes place between July 7th and 12th about 45 minutes from London, Ontario.  I picked up camping gear a couple of weeks ago, and I registered today and took advantage of the Early Bird Special. It’s only $100.00 for the entire week!

Dragon Ritual Drummers will be there, along with Castalia, AND author Christopher Penczak. I can’t wait!

 

 

Thanks to those of you who voted, and sent donations through the months of February and March. Our winner of the votive candles was Gabriel. I don’t have another sponsor swag draw planned just yet, but as soon as I come up with something, I’ll let you know. 

A word on Jax’s tarot segment: I haven’t heard from her since early February, and I’m assuming she’s just too busy living - a state of being that I understand all too well. We’re going to leave her be for the time being, and see if we can replace that segment with something else. I think it’s better for me and for the show if I work with what I have without waiting on someone else’s contribution!  Thanks to Jax for the segments she has produced for us! We’ll miss her!

Music this episode was:

Gaia Consort - Every Sacred Thing
Laura Powers - Silver Wheel
Sarah Stockwell - Language of Stones

 

Our next show will feature Tameika and Fox of the Spirits of the Earth Festival, and a discussion about Keeping your words in good order. (click for more info on the thirteen goals). 

Ostara

We celebrated Spring Equinox yesterday with a feast and the placement of some new herb plants in the window sill in the kitchen. I usually plant seeds at this time of year, but they usually die because I have a black thumb, so this year I opted to buy plants and transplant them to new pots. Hopefully the fact that they are already lush and green will remind me to water them, and look after them.

Last week was full of shopping. We had a small windfall and picked up a bunch of stuff for our kitchen (including new cabinets, which we will be putting in eventually - but painting and stuff has to happen first!). And then, yesterday, I got to use my new pots and pans to cook a spring lamb feast! And then, I got to serve it at my new dining room table.

Tomorrow, it's back to school. I have an essay to write today, and last night, I had a homework anxiety dream. First one since I went back to school. I woke up laughing about it, though, because the essay is on Sleepy Hollow, and I'll have it banged out in an hour, no problem.

Other things are happening today - laundry, maybe podcasting, and touching base with some people I've been missing. Like, you guys! :)

::hugs::

Fey

Pride

On Wednesday, we were told that our English teacher would be out of commission on Thursday due to a family thing, that we would have a supply teacher, and that we would be watching Sleepy Hollow. I groaned, internally, and decided not to go to English class on Thursday. What was the point? I've seen the movie a thousand times, and I really wasn't up for three hours of doing nothing.

I misjudged the situation. I found out yesterday, thanks to a student that is also in both my biology and my English class, that we were assigned a pretty heavy duty paper to write on Sleepy Hollow that would include five questions, two to be answered in 'short form', and three in point form. We were also assigned a response journal to write. I read over the list of questions and realized that despite having watched the movie a thousand times, I couldn't remember enough about it to fake my way through them.

There began about three hours of panic, and a temptation to drop teacher-delivered English and start over with distance learning. Why? Because if I couldn't do this assignment, I wouldn't be able to attain the honours level marks I wanted to get in English. The potential 'perfect' score I had been subconsciously shooting for would become impossible.

I talked myself out of it, but it was hard, and it took a lot of self-talk of the 'get your butt to English class and ask for an extension' variety. Also, a lot of 'perfect is not the point here, and what are you thinking? You can still score well, even without this one assignment. Do not be stupid.'

So I marched my butt into English class and got an extension. No problem.

Thank the Gods.

Also, I got a 4+ on my first biology quiz. For those of you in the states, this is equivalent to an A+ and it's the highest mark possible.

Go, me!

I Can't!

Respond to emails? Take a long stroll by the river? Have a leisurely bubble bath? Slow cook anything? Hang out with friends?

I can't. I have homework.

::grumbles::

The upside is, I understand cells, cellular organelles, cell functions, and macromolecules, not to mention my intensely profound grasp of rhetorical devices, connotation, signs and symbols and The Cask of Amontillado.

My brains. Let me show you them!

Grade 11

So, I've skipped most of Grade 10 thanks to a meeting with guidance today, and will be doing English 11 U and Biology 11 U this term. Next term, I'll be doing Math 10 U and English 12 U. I'll need a history and a couple of humanities courses, but I can figure that out as I go along. It's going to take three or four terms to graduate, which means a year, max.

I'm nervous about skipping the 10 U English course, but I am fairly certain I can hack it. I don't know what being in school full time will mean for the podcast, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

School

Starting Monday, I'll be back in school. Since I'm registering late for the semester, I have no idea what's available, course wise, but that's okay. I'll take what I can get that applies towards my diploma. Not going to be picky. I need a science, so maybe I'll take biology this term. Woo!

Anyway...I'm excited.

Some Goals

I like to keep a list of things I'm working on handy so I can glance at it now and then and see where I'm at on my trek towards being where I want to be. Now, this doesn't mean I can't be content with where I am now. Far from it. I make it a practice to notice what's right about my current circumstances, because if you ask me, what you pay attention to in your life is what grows. Counting one's blessings is important, but just as important is the gentle art of knowing what you want and focusing your attention there as well.

Seeds I'm Planting

~Freedom from addiction to nicotine
~A driver's license
~High School Diploma
~To get my back taxes done
~A DSLR for Darklin
~Work on my herb garden
~Find a therapist
~Lose 40 pounds
~Become more physically fit (walking, yoga)

There are other goals. Travel, write a novel, BA Psych and MSW, etc. etc, but these are too far ahead of me to start focusing on now. The list up there are things I can accomplish within about a year's time.

Sometimes Moving Forward Means...

...taking a few steps back.

Last year, I dropped out of the adult high school program I'd enrolled in. I had good reasons for doing so, but I think it all adds up to "I wasn't ready."  I planned, at the time, to do distance education to finish high school, but I let a series of events derail me. The result has been a crisis in terms of how I see myself.

Everytime I fail to follow through, I hurt myself. You know? I become my own worst enemy, and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I've decided it's time to turn the train around and go back to St. Louis, deal with all the reasons I thought it wasn't working for me, and finish.  If I settle for distance education, I'm going to feel like I've 'settled' for less than I'm capable of. If I settle for a GED, same thing. I want to finish what my life circumstances at the time I was in high school prevented me from finishing.  I want to take those years back in a symbolic way. 

I think this is important.  I think I'm really getting it, and I think I'm tackling my continued failure to follow through in a healthy way. With a pinch of humour, and a dash of determination. With the full awareness that I can do it. 

I have to take academic math. There's no way around it. I thought applied would be enough, but psych requires academic math, so that's that. The bright side is that the students at St. Louis who are doing academic math are probably going to me more serious than those doing applied math, so while the course itself will be more challenging, the environment will be less so.

Also, I can write essays. The final essay in grade 10 academic English scared the bejesus out of me. I was terrified to even try.  Which is a large part (no matter what else I told myself) of my decision to drop out.  I dropped out because I was yellabellied. I dropped out because I was scared to discover that I really couldn't do it. I preferred, at the time, to live in ignorance of what I'm actually capable of rather than challenge myself and find out the truth.

The truth is probably this: I'm perfectly capable of doing it. Maybe not perfectly but well enough to get the required 80% in the class.  So fuck it. Fuck my self-doubt. Fuck my abject terror. It's time for courage. It's time for being shit scared and doing it anyway.

My self-actualization process. Let me show you it.

Growing Edge

My world is on a growing edge. What I mean by that is there are many changes coming - some within my control, and some not within my control - and this has a very double edged feeling. Like, I'm poised to return to school for yet another try. And I'm waiting for an adult child to move out of my house so I can have some peace. And I'm messing about in my unconscious material and feeling vulernable and raw as a result. And I'm learning a lot about myself through my Blue Star homework.  And I'm feeling some shifts in my expectations when it comes to the various spiritual paths that are calling me.  Druidry is private and a very solitary and personal practice for me, whereas my studies with Wicca are entirely dependent upon my connection with my coven. No coven, no real interest in carrying on with those studies, whereas druidry has captured me heart and soul and I depend on nothing external whatsoever to carry on with that course of study.

Some things are dying. I used to believe that I would, eventually, earn an MFA in Poetry or Creative Writing. I used to see myself teaching or doing workshops for writers.  I saw myself living a writer's life.  My spiritual work is leading me to see something different for myself. A BA Psych. An MSW. A career in helping and service to others.  A degree from Cherry Hill Seminary at some point - most likely in pastoral care.  Where does this leave my writing? My desire to write?

No where different, really, because the mistake I was making was believing that to write, I needed to go to school. This is simply not true. I can write *right now*. I can write.  Writing well is not something I need to learn.  So, while the dream of an MFA is dying, the knowledge that I can write has moved from a dream or a wish to a reality. I can write.  That has been born.  

When I experience too many changes at once (and I define the list above as 'too many'), I get very ungrounded very fast. It becomes ever more important that I sink as deeply into my body as I possibly can, or I will begin to neglect it. Not out of any kind of loathing for my physical self, but because the more shaken up I am spiritually or emotionally, the more likely I am to forget that I have a body that needs my attention. It needs food. It needs fresh air and walks. It needs sex and physical affection. It needs good sleep and lots of water. Focusing my attention on the body is like focusing my attention on garden soil. Though I can't see some of what's growing within me yet, I know it's there, beneath the surface, unfurling little tendrils of root below and reaching for the light. 

When my spiritual and emotional life is fraught with anxiety and change and I am on a growing edge, I have to become a very mindful gardener. Feed the soil. Condition it.  Mulch and tilling and much attention. 

I really needed to remind myself of that today.

I'm probably going to cross-post this to 'Pagan Every Day' since I think it's applicable. 

Really Hard Time

Hard times here with family drama. Not much time or energy to post. I'll be back as soon as I can. :(

Dreams

I'm in the town where my grandparents lived when I was a child (they are now deceased), and I have the feeling I'm visiting for nostalgia's sake. I want to take photographs of the place. I'm very excited and happy to be there, and happier still that I have a baby (mine, newborn, a girl) all dressed up in pink and snug as a bug in her baby carriage (an old fashioned pram with huge wheels). As I walk around the town, I realize I've gotten lost and I have no idea where I'm supposed to go next. I make several stops to see old friends (who I don't recognize) and wind up in the apartment of someone I knew when I was young who grew up to be a local policeman. He is handsome, well spoken, well-liked (the phone keeps ringing while I'm there). He solves the problem for me. Knows where I'm supposed to be and calls me a cab. The dream colours are mostly black, white and pink.

In another (related?) dream, I find myself in an institution, like a retirement home, except it's for adults like me. It is set up with all the things one might want to do - knitting, cooking, beading, reading, writing, pottery, etc., but all these things are not available for the moment because of all the snow. There are notices at each 'station' in the institution that house each particular hobby or activity. I am disappointed, but excited that eventually, all these options will be open to me.

Dreams

I am in the dream, and I am taking a class of some kind. There are probably two dozen students. The classroom looks like your average, every day classroom with orange plastic chairs and ugly blonde laminated tables. The teacher is tall, willowy, and has long black straight hair. She seems very haughty to me. I dislike her almost on sight. 

As we all file in to the class, the teacher is handing out portfolios in leather with cool organizers and calenders inside. I think it was a writing class (a la Weekend Novelist or some such) but I'm not 100% sure. She has one left in her hand, but refuses to give it to me. She claims she's run out. I and another woman who was behind me in line have to wait until she orders more. I am very irritated because I paid for this class and should have the materials as promised. Fuming, I take my seat. The teacher gives an assignment, which I can't do because I don't have the materials necessary. I try to approach her but she falls asleep every time I go up to her desk. Her eyes roll back into her head and flutter closed. It is as though I am invisible to her. Either that, or she is purposefully trying to annoy me.  Her head bobs and weaves and she softly snores until I move away, and then she snaps awake and resumes teaching. After three tries, I've had it. I walk to the supply cupboard to see if there are anymore portfolio thingies in there. If she isn't going to give me one, I'm going to steal one...

And then I wake up.

Another dream - Darklin comes home excited because he's found a package of pens - purple with cushioned barrels and purple ink (I think Bic makes these), and he knows I've been looking for pens like these forever. I am really happy, really excited, and hug him squeefully before tearing open the package and holding the fistful of pens in my hand. 

Then I wake up.

In another dream, I'm encouraged at an event to promote my podcast by Peirce Brosnan. He assures me it will be fine. I step into a weird kind of witness stand and proclaim that my podcast is awesome and everyone should listen to it. I feel a bit braggarty, a little red-faced with shame, but I've been told to do it, so I do it. All the men in the crowd turn their backs on me and walk away, but Oprah and Whoopi Goldberg (wtf?) come running on stage to congratulate me and tell me how awesome it is that I'm confident enough to speak so positively about my podcast. 

Then I wake up.

I've been listening to a Jungian podcast (jungian.libsyn.ca) that has some material on dream interpretation. I've also been reading The Hero With A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell, The Writer's Journey by Chris Vogler, and Inner Works by Robert Johnston. My subconscious is heavily loaded with symbology and mythology at the moment.  I still don't have a frackin' clue what these dreams mean, but I find it really amazing how well intending to remember my dreams is translating into actually remembering them and writing them down. I'm not quite ready to tackle interpretation - I feel intimidated, and almost afraid to discover what my subconscious is trying to tell me - but eventually, I will try my hand at it, and I want a whole collection of dreams to interpret when I'm ready to begin.

BICHOK

*BICHOK time in today: three hours. I'm ready for a break. Need to fill the well, load the subconscious, eat something, clean something, and wash my hair.

*Butt In Chair, Hands On Keyboard

Made of Win

~leftover split pea & ham soup, handblended to a smooth and creamy consistency, served with dense, multigrain toast.

~finding out the cheap brand of coffee we usually buy is not available in anything but decaf and opting for the step up. Mmmmm. Nabob. (It's still crap, but it's better crap than Maxwell House!)

~An afternoon spent NOT knitting on the red leather couch with the adorable and lovely Sahra, with whom I feel all melty and relaxed and completely at home.

~Setting a date for Wednesday to do more of the same relaxing on couch with coffee.

~Having the following options: Writing, reading about writing, reading about The Hero's Journey for writers, knitting, surfing knitting patterns, looking at other people's knitting, learning to play some songs from Damh the Bard's songbook (which arrived in the post last week), futzing around with chords on the guitar and strumming aimlessly, watching YouTube Guitar tutorials, ordering a movie, flipping through the 'On Demand' channels and thinking about ordering a movie, opting for a free movie on cable, taking a long hot soak, taking a long, leisurely walk, taking a nap...

~Knowing that my entire household is full and warm and healthy and contentedly occupied.

~Life.